Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
