I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
