I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
