Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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