if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
