My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
