You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
