Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
