Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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