new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
