Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
