I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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