I want to stick my p in your. b.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
