I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
