tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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