Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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