toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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