I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
