saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
