I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
