You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
