Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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