You smell like a Billy Joel song
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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