I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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