Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
