The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
