im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
