I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
