Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit