I murdered the dance floor call the cops
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.