I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So many bounce houses so little time
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
