We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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