i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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