He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
