bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
