Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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