Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
