if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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