Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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