My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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