at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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