how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
