Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
