Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
