Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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