mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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