based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
