You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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