Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Even my vagina gasped.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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