the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
