We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
