I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
