He asked to "fluff my boner.."
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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