New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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