either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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